


Summertime Sadness

by CarryOnMySwanSong



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Endometriosis, F/M, Fertility Issues, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Mentions of Cancer, Multi, Polycystic ovarian syndrome, pcos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 11:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16117376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarryOnMySwanSong/pseuds/CarryOnMySwanSong
Summary: Autumn has a medical crisis, and looses the battle. Chuck needs her back in the game, however. This is her journey. The ending is a happy one.





	Summertime Sadness

My name is Autumn, and this is the story of how I died. It is also the story of how I lived. At least, a small glimpse into that life.

I grew up in a small town in South Carolina. The boys found me when they rescued me during a routine Salt and Burn. I was just a teen and they were barely adults themselves. Both my parents were killed in the chaos of the haunting and I was left homeless and without family. Instead of letting the state take over, knowing what I know, seeing what I saw, the boys took me to Bobby Singer. Bobby took care of me and taught me everything he knew about hunting. He was the best man I ever knew, and my heart is heavy with the loss of him.

After Bobby's passing, and Dean finally came back, I lived with them on the road. We hunted together. I moved in with them when they found the bunker. I was there for most of the big stuff, unless I was off on my own hunt. It was rare for me to go off by myself, but if I needed backup, I'd call on whatever hunter was in the area.

We were close. Very close. I loved them like family. Castiel, as well. Even if his entrance into our lives was dramatic and our relationship with him was turbulent, in the beginning. But he proved himself a Winchester, in the end and I couldn't imagine my life without any of them.

* * *

Today just felt off. I wake up, get dressed, make breakfast, open my laptop and look for a case, and pulled books down when I think I have something. But there was this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something just wasn't right. I check the calendar over and over, thinking I missed some important date. Nope. Birth control was on time, took my morning meds, all that. No doctor's appointments, no birthdays, no death dates needing to be remembered. I just can’t place the feeling.

Then it dawns on me. I am on week number two of my birth control but I haven't had a period during the sugar pill week, in the last pack. I am two weeks late. Which is odd. I am not pregnant. Gotta be with someone for that. Don't get me wrong, I had my fun, but I am always careful and my partners are always covered. I haven't been with anyone in many months. Too many months for pregnancy to be on the table... so why did I have a lot of the symptoms?

I go into the bathroom and look at my form in the mirror. My belly is slightly swollen, there is a tightness that isn't usually there, my breasts are tender, and my lower abdomen is throbbing like I'm cramping. I sigh and book an appointment. I have been managing my PCOS and Endometriosis for years now and this was just one more thing. But this was new and I was worried.

The boys are on a hunt and I am at the bunker on my own. I opt for a same day appointment.

My annual exam came back clean and that was only six months ago. So I’m not too worried. I should have been.

Talking to the doctor, I ensure her I’m not pregnant, but that I am concerned about the symptoms. So she takes some blood, just to have it on record that I’m not pregnant. She takes my other vitals, does some poking, prodding, and does an internal exam. Same routine as during my annual. Lots of swabs and scrapings. It it hella uncomfortable but it needs to be done. The nature of my illnesses are a delicate balance of meds, diet, and hormones.

I leave the doctor's office with more worry on my brain, then when I went in. My results will be in next week. She rushes the results, since my symptoms are so out of character for someone not pregnant. She is an endocrinologist and is very concerned.

So I wait. The boys won’t be back for another two to three weeks. They check in and I help them with research, chat about nothing when one or both are bored. Castiel stops by a few times. He makes subtle faces at me, when he thinks I’m not looking. I want to ask him about it but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. This makes me worry even more.

When my results are finally in, the doctor calls me to her office. Already, this isn’t looking good. I'm a nervous wreck by the time I get into the office. She ushers me into her office and we sit.

"There is no easy way to say this." She takes a deep breath. "Autumn, you have cancer. It is in your uterus and both ovaries. It doesn't appear to have spread yet and there are a lot of options. I can put you in touch with several doctors who can talk you through those options, whichever you decide."

Blood drains from my face and my hands go cold. I just nod. My whole body going numb. _Fuck_. I was just starting to entertain the idea of being a mom someday. Me and the boys are reaching retiring age and I wanted to have a child before I was too old to chase after one and even thought about asking one of the boys to be a donor. Well that's out of the picture now. I look up and the doctor is waving a tissue in front of my face. It isn't until I focus on it, that I realized I was crying.

"Do you have someone you can call? Do you need help getting home?" she asks me.

I clear my throat. "Yeah I can call someone. I'll be ok. Its just a lot to process."

I walk out of her office, with a bunch of pamphlets and cards with numbers on them. I sit in the lobby and call Castiel. He arrives a short time later, concern on his face. He looks me over and nods only once.

"Can you fix it? Can you cure it?" I plead with him.

Sadness wracks his face. He wraps his arms around me and I know the answer before he tells me, "Sadly, I cannot. Cancer isn't like a broken bone or a wound that needs to be closed. It changes the very nature of the cells. If I were to try and cure you, the cancer would only get worse and spread. All I can do is take away the discomfort it brings you. I am so sorry."

I just nod my head while sobbing into him. I feel the world shift and I know that he's brought me back to the bunker.

"How do I tell them?" I ask the angel. He just shakes his head. Neither of us knows. The only thing we know is that this will break their hearts.

So I spent several days crying, screaming, and praying. Nothing. Castiel stays by my side the entire time, getting me anything I need.

By the end of the week, I have made my decision. I'm going on a hunting tour. Castiel will help ease my pain, and I'll seek treatment wherever I land. It isn’t unheard of for one of us to be away from the bunker for months at a time, chasing hunts, especially when they were linked. I just can’t bring myself to tell them or let them watch me die, if it comes down to it. I know I should tell them, but there is just too much to do. Too many monsters in the world. To many people to save.

So I pack a bag and leave the bunker. I keep my phones and keep in touch. I leave my room alone and only pack what I need. I don’t want them thinking I’m not coming back, even though I have no plans to. I know it's shitty of me, to not tell them, but I just can’t do that. Maybe, if I am lucky, I'd go out warrior style. I hope for it.

Months go by and I start to hear the concern in Sam and Dean's voices. They always ask me when I am coming home. I always tell them "soon."

* * *

I don’t tell them, when I have the surgery to remove my uterus and ovaries. I never tell them I have lost all my hair from the chemo and radiation. I never tell them that the cancer has spread and it is now in my bones. I never tell them that I have decided to stop treatment. There was no point. It is just going to get worse and worse and the chemo is just making me miserable. Castiel is by my side as often as possible. Easing my pain and whisking me off from place to place so I don’t have to drive.

There comes a point where I can no longer hunt. And the inevitable happens. I need constant hospital care. Castiel urges me to tell the boys I am actively dying and my end date is coming up fast. Only 6 months to live. I refuse.

It isn't until I slip into a coma that they are told. I only know this because I can hear them talking to Castiel. I can feel their hands holding mine. I can hear their prayers. It breaks my heart. I cry in my sleep.

Three months after I slip into a coma, I know the end is near. I can sense it. I call out to Castiel and he comes to me in my dreams. I tell him all the things I left unsaid. I tell him my feelings for Dean and beg him to ask them for forgiveness for not telling them. For being a coward. He holds me and agrees to tell them. My dream fades and I am in darkness once again.

Most of the time, I am in darkness. I can sometimes hear the machines around me. I can sense the people coming and going. Castiel is a constant visitor. When he visits me, it’s like we are just sitting in the bunker, having a chat. It feels so real. I can feel my body shutting down and his visits are a distraction from that.

The night before my end date comes,  Dean visits me in my dreams. I'm sure that Castiel has something to do with it.

He appeared to me, wearing fancy clothes. His stubble is a little more trimmed, and his hair is perfect. I look down at myself and I am dressed in a beautiful red dress. I run my hands over my hair and know it is done up in some intricate and perfect design. The world around us is just a field, under a full moon. It is so quiet, you can hear the telephone lines buzzing. I know in that moment, that I’m not afraid, anymore.

We dance. There isn't any music, but Dean hums something we both know. The sweet deep tones of his voice, soothing away any worry I have about any of this.

"Dean, I---" I begin. He put his hand against my lips and smiles.

"Cas told me, sweetheart. I know you have so many regrets. But don't. We love you. We are here with you now. I know you couldn't bring yourself to tell us and you wanted to go out on your own terms. You know that I, more than anyone, can understand that."

I blush deeply. "Dean, you are amazing. You are so good to me. I wish we had more time together." I take a stuttering breath and I know the end is getting ever closer with every heartbeat.

"Dean. Kiss me. Before you go. Please," I beg.

He wraps his arms around me and slots his mouth against mine. The kiss is tender, and needy. His tongue tasting like the whiskey he always drinks. I hum with content.

When we break apart, the dream has shifted and we are in the Impala. We are on an open stretch of highway and Dean is driving at top speed. The windows are down and I can feel the wind whipping through my hair. I look in the backseat and Castiel is sitting behind me. A sad smile on his face.

"Dean, Autumn, it is time," he says.

I nod once.

As the dream fades, Dean grabs my hand and squeezes tightly, like he's afraid to let me go. Castiel reaches out and touches my forehead. I close my eyes as the light from his touch grows brighter and tears slip down my cheeks. I hear a high pitched sound in the background, before there's just nothing.

I don't know how much time passes, but when I open my eyes, I am in the bunker again. Sam is sitting at a table, in the library, and there is a high pile of books around him. Dean walks in with three plates of food.

I remember this day.

_This was the first or second day we were in the bunker. Sam was neck deep in books, and Dean was proud of himself for making us food. So this was my heaven. The time we finally realized we were home._

I smile at the thought.

I spend a long time reliving my best moments from my life with the boys. Castiel often visits, which I'm sure breaks the rules. He keeps me up to date on what is going on with Sam and Dean. Time seems to go on forever here, but only a few months have passed on earth. This gives me comfort. That they are living their best lives. I miss them so much. Having their memories here in my heaven helped, but it isn’t the same. I’m not as happy as I thought I'd be.

One day, after a year had passed on earth, a man appears with Castiel. He's short and has a graying beard and wavy brown hair. His eyes looks weary and he's dressed in an oversized sweater and comfy pants. I tilt my head in curiosity.

"Autumn, this is Chuck. He wanted to meet you, personally. He... well it's complicated." Castiel looks from me to the man, and then walks off.

I shake his hand and we walk together through one of my memories. It is a garden. It is where I first felt myself falling for Dean. He'd taken me out for my birthday. It was an amazing day.

Chuck and I find a place to sit and I wait for him to speak. He seems to be looking for the right words to say.

"My name is Chuck, but most of humanity knows me by another name. That name is God. Autumn, I wanted to meet you, because of all the names and faces I see everyday, yours has been sent to me the loudest. Sam and Dean are always thinking about you. I needed to know who the woman was that had captured their hearts so. I also wanted to give you a choice.

You see, Sam and Dean are becoming reckless. I don't like the men they are turning into. They miss you. Their grief is very deep. They've tried everything from making deals with demons to pleading with me, to bring you back. I didn't know how important you are to them. And I'm afraid without you there, they will go too dark and become the things they hunt. I can't have that. They are my Warriors. I need them saving people, hunting things. I need them to cure the plague that has tarnished that planet for far too long. I don't think they can do that without you.

So I want to offer you a choice. Stay here and live out your days as it is. And see the real Sam and Dean when they finally die, or you can go back. I will put you back on earth. I won't wipe the memories of your passing because I think it's important they know what they had and lost and got back. But your reunion will be a little rocky. They are currently on a case and I think they really need your help."

His eyes seem almost pleading. Dean often said "what's dead should stay dead" but this was God himself, offering me a choice.

I think for a moment and inhale deeply. "Send me back. I'll do it."

The smile on his face speaks volumes. He reaches out and touches my forehead, much in the way that Castiel did, when I passed. There is light brighter than any I have ever encountered, and then darkness.

* * *

The first thing I notice is that I am laying down. The texture tells me it is a motel room bed. The next is I hear a door being unlocked and voices coming through.

"Dude, no way. I'm telling you it is the ghost of a jilted lover," said a husky voice that sounded a little too excited for the subject being discussed.

"No, Sam. You are wrong. This is one of those..." a deep rumbly voice starts but is cut off for some reason.

I slowly open my eyes and sit up. I blink a few times before my eyes focus on the most beautiful sight in front of me. Sam and Dean. My boys. Tears well up in my eyes and I go to stand.

Dean is first to move, drawing his gun. This doesn't surprise me. Sam has his hand on his gun but doesn't draw it yet.

"Autumn? Is that you?" Sam asks.

Dean doesn't speak and just looks angry. I turn back to Sam. "Yeah, its me. Brought back by God Himself. Who knew that God's name is Chuck and that he is so short." I smile. "Call Cas down, he will tell you. You can test me. I promise I'm the real deal."

While Dean still points his weapon at me, Sam does all the tests. I pass, of course.

Dean lowers his gun and hands to Sam and wraps his arms around me, smashing his lips against mine. He finally lets me pull back but keeps his arms around me. "I didn't get a chance to tell you before. I won't make that same mistake again," he tells me. I just nod.

"I know, Dean. I know. We have plenty of time to catch up. But first let's get something to eat. I am starving. I feel like I haven't eaten a thing in a whole year." I giggle snort.

Sam is the first to laugh a little. Dean's face sours a little but he then also starts to laugh.

We walk out of the hotel room. I have a Winchester on either side of me, arms wrapped tight. One brother got his sister back. One got his best girl back. There's a lot I need to catch up on and a lot the three of us need to heal from, but I think we will be okay. I'm sure of it.

* * *

> _This is the last entry in my hunter's journal I will ever make. I am old now. Sam and Dean are both asleep. Dean, in the bed next to me, and Sam down the hall. In various rooms in the bunker are the sleeping forms of the rest of our family. Some kids, many grandkids, and a few orphans we've taken in over the years. There are no more monsters, and the bunker has been turned into a living museum and information library. We lived a long hard life, but we saved the world. I am tired now and ready to sleep._

* * *

When I next open my eyes, it's like I just blink. I look around me, taking in the sights and sounds. I am in a field, surrounded by friends and family. It is the field where Dean and I got married. It is the field from the first time we said goodbye. I had to find it on earth and I wanted it to be the place we said hello to the world as one. There are a lot more people here than were at the wedding. Faces that have long since been gone. Dean steps into view and takes my hand.

"We are finally home, sweetheart. This is it. No memories to relive. We can just spend heaven with everyone we love the most," he tells me this as we walk up to the crowd of people. Some I haven't seen is many decades.

The first arms to wrap around me are my parents. The second are Bobby's. As we move through the crowd, I spot Sam walking up.

"I went not long after the two of you. You passed holding hands with smiles on your faces. I passed a few hours afterwards, after checking on you and I fell back asleep." He grins.

I wrap him in a hug. "I'm glad we made it together. I couldn't stand being apart from the two of you last time." I smile wide at him.

We walk more into the crowd, greeting everyone. Giving hugs, and just enjoying being surrounded by familiar faces.

Castiel and Chuck walk up, after some time has passed and the party starts to thin. Castiel wraps us three in a hug. Chuck just stands back and says two words to us, "Thank you" and the next thing I know, we are standing on the porch of big house, with all our friend and family milling about. This is our heaven. Everyone we love and miss, under one roof, enjoying the simple things in life. Finally an apple pie life. There's even a picket fence and a dog. This makes me giggle.

Sam walks through the door first, greeted, with open arms, by Jess and Eileen. I take a deep breath and Dean grabs my hand and we walk through together, grins on our faces.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is the life's blood that keeps me going!
> 
> * * *
> 
> Song inspiration: 
> 
> Summertime Sadness, Lana del Rey
> 
> I got my red dress on tonight  
> Dancin' in the dark in the pale moonlight  
> Done my hair up real big, beauty queen style  
> High heels off, I'm feelin' alive
> 
> (chorus)  
> Oh my God, I feel it in the air  
> Telephone wires above  
> Are sizzlin' like a snare  
> Honey I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere  
> Nothin' scares me anymore
> 
> Kiss me hard before you go  
> Summertime sadness  
> I just wanted you to know  
> That baby, you the best
> 
> I got that summertime, summertime sadness  
> Su-su-summertime, summertime sadness  
> Got that summertime, summertime sadness oh oh
> 
> I got that summertime  
> I got that summertime  
> I got that summertime, I got that summertime summertime sadness  
> I got that summertime  
> I got that summertime  
> I got that summertime, summertime summertime sadness
> 
> I'm feelin' electric tonight  
> Cruisin' down the coast, goin' about 99  
> Got my bad baby by my heavenly side  
> I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight
> 
> (repeat chorus)
> 
> Songwriters: Rick Nowels / Elizabeth Grant  
> Summertime Sadness lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC


End file.
